Psychological Impact

Never having experience trauma before I wasn't aware what to expect. The accident itself happened so quickly I just remember looking at the underside of my wrist and thinking:

"That hand is completely and utterly ruined."

Not, (if I'm honest) the exact words; but they matched the sentiment.

Oddly, even though the amount of blood I was loosing was almost cartoon like, I didn't feel in danger; even though I clearly was. This total misreading of the seriousness of my situation may well have been aided by the fact that there was no pain whatsoever, possibly the only benefit of severing every single connection that there was in my once very capable hand.

Looking back on it now just over 2 years later and the abiding psychological scar was that the image of the damage seemed to replay itself to me, over and over and over again.  Always at quiet times such as going to sleep or on waking-up.

I remember being surprised at how white arteries are, even on the inside of the tube, somehow I expected there might be some staining from all the blood they carry. I later resolved that such a totally pointless question might have been thrown up by a somewhat confused brain in an attempt to take my mind off things. Seemingly not, it was just me consciously distracting myself from reality; a trait I (and more than a few others) display when faced with seemingly overwhelming difficulties.

In order of seriousness the negative psychological effects I suffered were the result of:

1. Replaying the (pretty horrific) image of the damage.
2. Not knowing what to expect.
3. Loss of function.
4. Loss of self-esteem.
5. Appearing disabled.

In no particular order, the positive psychological effects I've experienced were the result of:

1. Training myself to avoid replaying that image.
2. Concentrating on physiotherapy and making it an automatic part of every hour.
3. Figuring out how to play guitar again.
4. Throwing away the "I'll never be able to do that again" list.
5. Showing the Hand Team at Leeds General what progress meant to me.

Initially, only the negative stuff was visible to me, and that carries serious repercussions . . .